Kat's Design

New Blog

2009-02-12T15:30:00.001-08:00

I've changed my blog address! it's blog.onegeekygal.com :) so go ahead and update your blogrolls! :)

This guy just explained exactly how i'm feeling

2009-02-01T23:42:00.001-08:00

Brandon Heath - I'm Not Who I Was Lyrics

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Random

2009-01-26T13:42:00.000-08:00

1. I think Jerky is a lovely snack - even if it does smell funny.
2. I can't stand bratty girls who are so blinded by their ego they don't know they're bratty.
3. CSI is quite possibly one of the coolest shows ever.
4. So is Snapped. I feel bad for those women. .. but then again they murdered their husbands. .. so I don't really feel bad for em.
5. I get addicted to TV shows. I do. I could just sit and program and watch those addicting TV shows for a long time.
6. If I go to the gym, i like it. It's just the whole getting ready to go to the gym that I don't like.
7. I think Disney severely screwed over the current view on love/dating.
8. I love how we meet some of our closest friends in the most random ways.
9. Heartbreak sucks. I wish there was a pill that would cure heartbreak. Or rather a pill that let you travel through time to where your heart doesn't hurt anymore. Since time 'heals all wounds'.
10. Boys aren't confusing. I was watching one of my reality shows - and a girl said, "boys are so confusing". but they're not. boys act exactly like they're thinking. They don't play games. It's girls that try to justify their actions and so we think they're playing games. but they're not. They're just not really interested.
11. Most of the time I wish boys were smart enough to be complicated.
12. I have already had 3 diet cokes today. and it's only 3 P.M.
13. I get nervous/scared of the number 13.
14. Sometimes, when i'm at work, i put my headphones in just so people won't talk to me. :)
15. I'm usually late for work.
16. I like to turn the music up really loud in my car - sometimes just so i can see the reaction of the people in the cars next to me.
17. I'm a cowgirl at heart - but you'd never know it by looking at me.
18. I really want to move to New York or some cool city. but sometimes dreams are just that.
19. I think it would be cool if we could just give people CD"s with songs that express our emotions to them. Like a big "screw you" or "sure love ya" cd. instead of explaining how you feel.
20. People can give me their opinions all they want - but i'm a stubborn girl who has to figure things out herself. so please save your breathe.
21. I love candy. I could eat only candy and pop and i'd die a happy girl :) i might die a little ealier. ..but i'd be happy.
22. Young Love messes with your head.
23. I hate when friendships grow cold. And then you have to see that person. Is there anything more difficult than talking to someone who used to know you inside out - but now you just have surface convo with?
24. I sneeze a lot. and always in big numbers! like 5 or 6 at a time. I get it from my grandpa - at least that's what my mom tells me :)
25. I have a habit of wanting to run/avoid problems. I like being happy - even if it's naively happy.
26. I cannot wait til 5 o clock.
27. I'm ready for a new town/ new job. I'm getting antsy about my current situation.

I can't think of anymore right now. .. but have no fear! I will!!!

An Infinite Loop

2009-01-22T13:31:00.001-08:00

For those of you who don't know me. .. well. Lets just say that a word that could easily describe me would be - stubborn. I am. Plain and simple. Sometimes I do the dumbest things. . just because one time i thought it was a good idea. . .and my pride won't ever let me admit to being wrong. Ever. Well. .. i guess sometimes I'll admit it. . . but only after circumstances have allowed me to spin the situation so that i wasn't ever really wrong. .. but things just worked out. . differently than i had planned.

I'm currently experiences one of those - not wrong. . but not 100% correct times. Last night. . . all of a sudden. .. it hit me. one of those - 'hey! Stupid!!! wake up and pay some freakin attention to what you're doing' moments. It was crazy. One minute i was continuing on in my bullheaded naivete - and the next. . . I'm staring reality in the face. and it was a harsh reality too.

I'd like to think I'm a smart girl. .. that i can always be level-headed. .. calm and collected. That my awesome computer skills transfer over to my ability to cope with life situations. But I'm realizing that life isn't composed of if/then statements that I determine. I can write a program, and I know exactly how the computer will respond. if this happens, then this will follow. Else - do this. It's simple. And my little nerd brain has attempted to write a lovely little program for my life. . .and it's ended up being an infinite loop! (yeah. . most people are saying, what the hell are you talking about Kat? but i don't care - cause it's a perfect metaphor). You see, life differs from my programs in the fact that there are other players in this game. . and try as i might to completely understand their actions - i can't. I predict how they will act, and try to write that into my plan. . . but what happens when my predictions are so completely wrong? infinite loop. and my brain just starts spinning. So. .. there i was. Spinning in my seemingly endless plan. .. when SNAP! someone hit the restart button. And man. .. did i restart.

And it was fabulous. The pride fog lifted. . the endless 'wake up kat - you're being ridiculous' that my family and friends have been trying to pound into my head finally took effect. Whereas before - i had the situation under control. . and i knew things that they didn't. . .after the restart i finally realized that they had seen things that my little Bullheaded plan didn't put in as a variable. Silly me. Not declaring all my variables when i first write the program. Or declaring them wrong. . . and then they put me into that mess. If you're not a programmer. .. I'm sure i've confused you. but I just had to shout it out. That I've restarted. no. better than that. I threw away the whole freakin operating system. and I switched to something better. So screw you Windows. I'm an Apple Girl. Creative, Smart, Adaptable. oh - not to mention Unique and extremely good looking. :)

My First Post of 2009

2009-01-02T08:53:00.000-08:00

So. It's 2009. It doesn't feel much different than 2008 though. I was thinking about that as the seconds ticked down to the New Year. What if we had this massive plot to change all the clocks in the world. . . make people think it wasn't the New Year. It still would be, of course. .. . but people wouldn't know. So I don't think it's a real change that happens. . . just the difference of one number when you date your checks.

So. . . I coudln't really think of what to blog about today. So I googled blog ideas. That is correct. I looked it up in a search engine. and got little results. So I thought to myself. . . . how awesome would it be if we had a creative search engine? for those days that you just have no creativity - just ask the search engine. I can't wait for the day that technology can solve my every problem.

As I was thinking about what to blog about. .. i thought of my friends and what they blog about. I don't have a husband, a pregnancy, or children. So all those are out. I could talk about my job. . . . but most people get bored when I talk about how awesome my computer is, and about how the analytics today told me that New Years Special sold more treadmills than New Years Sale. (In my job, I look at trends of how internet shoppers are acting, and then taylor our sites to match those trends. and let me tell you. . . . people kinda amaze me with how they act online.)

I could talk about my adventures snowboarding yesterday, or the movie I saw last night. Single life doesn't really have anything amazing to talk about. . . It all seems to blur into one big night of fun. oh Fun. I once had an institute teacher who said that my generation was drivin by Fun. That the 1920-1950 generation was driven by "what is right". That the 1960-1980 generation is driven by "what will get me ahead" and that my generation is driven by "what is fun".

What is sad. .. . is that I believe he was dead on with this. We are a generation who has been entertained since we were toddlers. I realized that this is true, even in my own life as I was snowboarding yesterday. I was getting my whole snow outfit on, and I heard myself say "i can't forget my ipod. I can't handle snowboarding without my ipod." ok. Lets talk about how many things are wrong with that statement and my addiction to my iPod:

1. I can't handle snowboarding. - ok little miss spoiled brat. You should always be extremely grateful that you have the opportunity, the gear, the gas money to snowboard. once a year even. and I get to go all the time. . . . so yes. wow.

2. At what point did snowboarding become dull by itself?

3. I can't do anything without my ipod. I will actually drive back home from the gym if my ipod quits. because I can't handle working out without it.

4. I actually do get bored when i'm snowboarding without my ipod. Because it ads to an already awesome experience. How sad is that?

I've also realized that i'm used to being comfortable. All the time. and I don't like it at all when i'm cold, or i hurt a little. We've been trained to be spoiled. I have to go outside and start my car before I leave for work, because I hate being cold on the drive there. I bought a spaceheater so my cubicle won't get too cold. . . . i could go on and on. but I've just been thinking about how even in the recession we are all so spoiled. We take for granted the littlest things, and get annoyed/bored/upset when our smallest whims aren't satisfied. I just would like to challenge myself, and all those others who are part of the "fun" generation to take a step back. Lets look at how ridiculous our craving for fun and constant comfort actually are.

My New Background

2008-12-31T13:17:00.000-08:00

So . . . . I was feeling pretty bad that everyone had cuter blogs than i did. So I ventured out and changed my background. Hooray for the New Year and Change!!! Right?! I've been reading SeriouslySoBlessed.blogspot.com - and oh my lands. If you haven't read this blog. . . do. It mocks Mormon blog culture in only the funniest of ways. I love it.

So - work has been pretty slow lately. . . so it's given me lots of time to blog. You woudln't know this - because I never actually publish 9/10 of the things I begin to write. I always get sidetracked 3/4 of the way through and step away. . . and when I come back to finish it, I don't even remember the point I was going to make.

I like making points in my posts. I know you all would LOVE to hear about the details of my life and all that. . . . but most of the time I don't think my life is really interesting enough to share with the whole WWW. However, I have decided that today, I'm going to break my own rules and do an Ode to Kat's 08, ahem. here goes:

2008 was a year of. .. well, not to be cliche and quote the President Elect, but it was a year of Change! From graduating college, to starting the 9-5, buying a new car. . .and learning what it's like to have to understand the words 'deductible' and apartment insurance.

I traveled to lots of cool places! Like New Orleans, San Diego, and Ensenada! I made countless memories with old friends, and gained some incredible new friends.

I hired a lawyer to get my deposit back from a shady landlord, who not only tried to steal from us, but had us unrightfully evicted.

I learned that lawyers are VERY expensive. . .and if I ever get bored with web design, I should go to law school :)

I learned that you shouldn't even joke with your friend about having a weapon when you go through customs. They don't think that is funny. at all.

I quit diet coke for a record of 2 months. Then I had to work a Saturday. . . and the addiction started back up again.

A bunch of my friends got married, a few of them had babies! All very exciting!!!

I learned that having the name of Katrina while you're in New Orleans makes for lots of awesome photo opportunites.

I learned that Vegas doesn't hold a candle to Burboun Street.

I also learned that the South, is VERy very Very different from Utah. :)

Being an adult is actually a lot cooler than being a student. Sorry to everyone that is still in school. But yeah - the 9-5 pretty much rocks.

I spent lots of time in San Diego, but didn't swim in the ocean once. The waves frighten me!

I learned that there is always a lot of Marijuana at Snoop Dogg Concerts. I also learned that my skin doens't react well to Marijuana smoke. If exposed to it for too long, it begins to itch and swell to ridiculous proportions.

I realized that people aren't nice to you when your face is swollen all funny.

I found a favorite airline. Jet Blue. They give you a WHOLE CAN of diet coke, not just the dinky little glass. And even though their TV's don't work for 80% of the flight, I still love the idea.

I got my dream computer - the MacPro. And she never dissapoints.

- well, I think i'm just going off on random tangents now. However, it's been a fabulous year! One of growth and good times! I can't wait for 2009! For all the resolutions I'll make, and then get mad at myself for not keeping :) and for all the days that I'll write checks and accidently date them 08, and not 09!

Happy New Year!!!

2008-11-19T08:33:00.000-08:00

So i'm bored at work - and Kortni Challenged me to post this. So here ya go my dear :)

8 Things I am PASSIONATE About...
1. The Gospel!
2. My Family
3. Friendships
4. Computers
5. Diet Coke
6. Politics
7. Hard Work
8. Integrity

8 "words" or "phrases" I say way to often...
1. "Oh my Hell
2. "I need a diet coke."
3. "Let me tell you why Mac is better than a PC"
4. "I work at Icon - yeah. . they make Proform and Nordictrack. .. . it's pretty great" - explaining my job
5. "I'm freakin out"
6. "I need a diet coke"
7. "CSI is on!!! "
8. "So i read in the news today that. . . ."

8 Things I want to do before I die...
1. See a receiver in the NFL call a fair catch and still get hit. and live - so i can laugh about it.
2. Start my own Interactive Design/Marketing Company
3. Be a Wife
4. Be a Mother
5. Own a Land Rover
6. Hear someone in Asia make fun of English.
7. Own my own MacPro
8. go SkyDiving

8 Things I have learned From my past...
1. You can't Change the past. Don't stew over mistakes. Learn from them, and move on.
2. Breaking your nose hurts.
3. As cliche as it is - time does heal all wounds.
4. Heartbreaks can't kill you - although at times you wish they would.
5. Hard work ALWAYS pays off. Don't ever slander your own name by slacking off.
6. Friends come and go - family doesn't.
7. you need kindling wood to start a fire :)
8. Integrity is everything. Everything. Everything.

8 Places I would love to see...
1. Paris
2. The Vatican
3. Niagra Falls
4. Sidney Australia
5. the McKinnon Castle is Scottland
6. the pyramids
7. King Tut's Tomb
8. Hong Kong

8 Things I Currently Need or Want...
1. I want to get a MacPro
2. I want to get a Facial
3. I want to take a nap
4. I want to go snowboarding. for a week.
5. I need to relax and let life happen.
6. I want the time to be 5 - cause then i'm off for Christmas
7. I need to not let stress drive me as much as it does.
8. I need to listen.

There ya go! :)

2008-11-14T22:18:00.000-08:00

So I noticed something today. All of my friends who aren't web designers - have really cool, personalized blogs. I - am a web designer. . . and my blog is a plain template. I'm not going to change it. . .but I just thought that was pretty interesting. I guess since I spend all my time doing web stuff - I just don't put the effort in on my own stuff? Eh. I'm not too stressed about it.

I also realized I don't post nearly enough. I have been having less and less inspiration on blogging the past few months. . . I don't know whether I can credit that to the fact that I'm constantly working, so when I get a break from programming i just want to hide from my laptop - or the fact that I tried to quit diet coke for a few weeks, and that led to the drain of all my creativity? Either way. . . I intend to post more often from here on out.

So last night I got to go to dinner with an old friend. And I realized - I sure do love old friends. This particular friend and I have a tendency to slip into philosophical conversations about life - not only how we lead it, but how we can figure out the mentality of those we interact with on a daily basis. He and I are 'lucky' enough to have the same personality type, and so it's always fun to figure ourselves out through simple conversation - As we analyze what the other has to say, we often figure out our own little issues. I'm so grateful for friends like that. It's crazy how you can know mass amounts of people - but there will always be that select few that truly understand you, and that you can always call a close friend.

With it being the Holiday Season, I can't help but feel SOO blessed. I have the type family that used to be on TV - back before they started highlighting screwed up families. My family is not screwed up. They're fabulous. How lucky am i that I can honestly call my family my best friends? When I need someone to talk with, cry with, laugh with(*or at) - I know i can count on my family. I've got great friends, an amazing job. I'm just an all around lucky gal!!! Isn't it great that during this season we can recognize our own luck - and take the opportunies to spread the joy and the blessings with those that might be a little down on their own luck? I just challenge us all to count our many blessings - and try to share them :) Merry Christmas!

Putting on the Ritz. Literally.

2008-11-08T11:51:00.001-08:00

So I figured it was time to write a new post! It's been about a month. . . which I know is way to long to go inbetween posts! But there's a good reason - I had no idea of what to write about!! I would think of random ideas - but none of them were good enough to make up an entire post.

So the exciting news is - I got a new computer last weekend. I love it. Mac just holds a very special place in my heart - and my new macbook isn't letting me down at all. I love this machine - and I haven't even reached the full 7 days of ownership mark. Work is going well too - we're heading into the busy season - and trying to get all of our main brands websites launched. So far NordicTrack and ProForm have launched - with HealthRider coming soon. I'm really excited to get all of the Redesigns out of the way - so we can start working on really tweaking them, spending more time on the details. I'm also trucking along in the freelance side of things. I'm having to tell potential clients "no thanks - i can't help ya" because I'm just too busy. Love that feeling! I'd much rather be too busy than to not have any work at all!

Speaking of Freelance, I actually just got hired as the web designer for the new "Discover USU" website. I am SOOO excited for this project for a lot of reasons! #1. USU is the love of my life! #2. I get to use all the fun little widgets/gadgets to make this website fun that just wouldn't fly on the sites I work on day to day here at Icon. We're talking make this baby just look "cool". And the purpose of the site? To help prospective students catch a glimpse into how amazing USU is. How great is it when you get to work on something that you're passionate about? Well, i'll answer my rhetorical question. It's very very great!
OK - so it's time to blog about something more interesting. The 'bad' news is I'm back on diet coke. I'm just a lot happier person when I'm not depriving myself of things I love. My biggest hope that came along with quitting was to lose weight. and guess what? You don't lose weight when you quit diet coke. you actually gain weight. Don't ask me how that is possible - well, ok. I know how it's possible. You replace diet coke with other things. . . like Snickers. In case you wondered, snickers has roughly 300 more calories than diet coke. which has none. Speaking of calories. . did you know that ritz crackers are full of them?! I didn't. I was trying to figure out why my fat butt wasn't getting smaller. . and so I started looking at the calories on my usual snacks. I was blown away to find out that ritz crackers have 35. In each of them. Tell me someone who can eat just 1 ritz cracker and I'll give that person a big high-5 for self control. Cause in my case - when I eat one cracker, the rest of the package quickly follows. So. . that's a whopping 3,000+ calories each time I eat a ritz cracker. Needless to say, I am no longer buying ritz crackers. I thought the whole "puttin on the ritz" was a jingle about a hotel and being rich, not about putting on pounds by eating the amazing crackers.

The Memory of Diet Coke

2008-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

So. . . I've been thinking a lot lately. OH wow - that sounds so ridiculous. I - as a human being. . . have actually been capable of thought! :) Lets put it this way - the past little while, i have been thinking more deeply than usual - and even though I may be around friends, i have seemed to drift into my own little world of thought - because what's going on in my mind seems more pressing than what's going on around me. What's causing this. .. well - that's extremely hard to explain. I'll try to spare you the details - but i think the vague idea is pretty darn interesting.

I am the sort of person who likes to be in control - and sad as it is to admit. . i like to be ahead of the curve. I take a little pride in where i am in life - and that i appear to be growing up. But. . . i'm starting to wonder if I'm growing up at all. The same issues that plagued me two years ago, are still on my mind. I wonder why it is that we hold onto some things. . things that hurt us in the end. Take my addiction to Diet Coke. Even though I know that delicious black liquid will probably give me ulcers and eventually cancer. . i drink it religiously, fully aware that it may hurt me in the end. There are times in my life that I try my very hardest to quit - and ya know. . i do pretty well when i set my mind to it. I'm currently 2 weeks clean, and feeling quite proud of myself. but I still just adore diet coke. why?! when i know it's not good for me, that i feel better when i'm not drinking it. . . why do i still crave it?

I'd like to blame it on my lack of self-control. That would make sense wouldn't it? I wonder if that's really it though. . . or if it's something deeper. I know that if i set my mind to stuff - i can do it. I pride myself on that fact. My parents rooted in me the knowledge that i can do anything I want - and i think therein lies the key. "what I want". Our deepest desires drive our actions. . . and i think if i was to change my desire - i would no longer crave diet coke. But nothing yet has made me change my core belief that Diet Coke is the best drink ever. Strange. . . that even the knowledge that it's bad for me, that aspartame gives me headaches, the carbonation makes me bloated. . . that all that sodium makes me retain water and look about 10lbs heavier. . . the facts are there. but - but i look past the facts, cause for some crazy reason diet coke and I have a connection. I hope by now you've realized i'm not just talking about diet coke - but that this parallels lots of other parts of my life.

So. .. that's what i've been thinking about lately. I currently have 100 days until the New Year. And i'm doing things a little differently this year - i've got some resolutions i hope to achieve by New Years - so that I won't start of the new year hoping to change things, but that things will change before it comes - and i can start the new year off with a clean slate. Will i be free of diet coke, and other things that have plagued me for more than just 2 years? I hope so. I need to rid my life of things that I know will only hurt me in the end. Water is soooo much better for me - and it won't only not hurt me - it will help me become healthier! Stronger! I need to get rid of diet coke for good, as sad as it is to let it go. . . and become addicted to water. So here's to water. And the memory of diet coke.

When Exhaustion Hits - PhotoShop Slows

2008-08-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

So. . I'm not in college anymore. And yet - I've been living the same lifestyle lately that I did when I was 18. I have been staying up way too late, and then trying to get up and function like a normal human being the next day. I can tell you from experience, this madness can only go on so long before you lose your sanity. Sure - Red Bulls and Rockstars will get you through a few days. . but then your eyes start to go all funny. . . you begin to lose normal speech ability, and you often stare into space.

This crazy pattern of staying up late was fine back in the college days, but now that i'm supposed to be an adult - and work 9-5. . it's not really jiving with my whole pretending to be a professional thing. The though of giving myself a bed-time makes me laugh. . so I guess i'll just have to grow up and be more responsible? I hate how responsibility sneaks up on you in the strangest places - and the older you get, the more you realize how much you suck at some areas of life. Sleep is one large area in which i suck. I also am one of those people who finds it necessary to speak whatever is on my mind. Because obviously. . the world wants to know! How could they not? My mind is full of opinions that should be perceived as fact, and so I blab on in an effort to convince those within the range of my voice that Kat's perception, should be everyone's reality.

I think I've blogged about this before - this desire to have the world revolve around my own perception. Woudln't it be nice though? Think of all the misunderstandings that could be avoided if everyone could empathize, because we were all drones. . . lol. Yeah - when you really think about it, the whole everyone thinking the same way as you would kind of take the fun out of life wouldn't it?! I love how everyone's uniqueness makes life worth living. The constant suprises, the having to shut your mouth so you don't offend, and even voicing your opinion more than you feel comfortable (*this is rare in my case. . but i see my friends struggle to let people know how they feel). All of these things, they just make life fun. More of an adventure! The constant battle of being aware of your surroundings - now that makes our lives into our own little reality-shows!

Whether we're in a family setting, at work, school, or home with the roommates - i just love to observe how people interract, how everyone is so different. I've made a hobby out of analyzing people (*may i emphasize hobby, i'm no psyche major) - and it's just so interesting to me how everyone is so different. Sometimes it's mind boggling trying to understand the other perspective, but I think as we try and do so, it refines us into better people! So if you catch me staring at you, with a little grin on my face - don't be freaked out. It's just me, trying to figure out what on earth is going on in your mind to make you act the way you do. :)

Welcome to Utah

2008-08-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

So there I was. . . doing my hair. Again. My mornings have been the same ever since I was old enough to turn on a curling iron. I shower, blow dry my hair. . . straighten it, curl it, fluff it. . hairspray it. . straighten the ones that got lost along the way. It's been a never ending cycle of primping. And this morning, I dared ask the question of "Why in the hell am I doing this again?"

Well, as soon as the question was asked, I immediately answered it with images of what I look like when I refuse to do this process. . . fluff that hasn't been in style since the 80's comes to mind. . . and no one really wants to have an afro anymore. So why do I care so much about how straight my hair is? The answer. . I live in Utah.

You see, Utah has been blessed with a curse of way too many pretty girls. Yep. I said it. . they're everywhere. Absolutely beautiful girls, girls that you see on movies. . they're beautiful. I used to rationalize, and be like. . well they may be beautiful. . but I have character and a brain. Then I realized that. . .well, so do they. Utah is jam packed with intelligent, beautiful, sweet, driven women. Everywhere you look, there they are. Sounds great right? Wrong.

We live in a society where young girls are bombarded with pictures of 90lb women. . . the perfect dream? And we've felt the pressure since we could play with barbies to also be perfect. So what happens when you're pressured this way? You start to compare yourself to the other girls who are trying to be perfect . . . the plot begins to thicken. I've had numerous roommates from out of state, that tell me one thing they first notice when they arrive in Utah. They notice that girls are checking them out, not in a sexual way. . but in a comparison way. The second you walk into a room, you get scoped out by every girl in that room - their eyes scale you up and down to see if you're going to be competition. I remember when I first heard them telling me about this happening. . and when I realized I did/do it. I panicked. . . but I realized that it was something that had been engrained in me since I was little.

Ever since we could understand. . . we knew that our dreams were achievable. Right? Cinderella always gets the prince. . . you just have to be the prettiest gal at the ball and your prince charming will come get you, sweep you off your feet, etc. Well, what happens when you're not the prettiest gal at the ball? Panic.

I've seen numerous friends of mine make themselves sick, trying to achieve the perfect standard of beauty. We go to extreme lengths to be beautiful, to try and win the attention of the numberous prince charmings that we're surrounded by. Diets, exercise to the extreme, hours spent primping, trying to just beat out the next girl that walks into the room. I had the opportunity of working with the youth for a few summers, and noticed a disturbing trend. Girls who were defining their very selves by how other people saw them. Their very esteem was defined by what they saw in the mirror. I believe that this issue is the cause of so many problems. . . but what can we do?

I was discussing it with my dad last week, and he gave me the wise words of "Just be who you are. If people can't see that and love you for it, screw em." I immediately cast it off as good advice, but just kinda fluffy. but think of how true it is! If we could all just find confidence in ourselves, no comparisons. . how much better would the world/dating scene/friendships be?! If only we could be proud of who we are, not who we are when compared to the next girl. .. I think we'd see a world of difference. Until then. . I guess we'll be forced to keep straightening our hair. :)

The Fellowship of the Nerd

2008-07-31T08:43:00.000-07:00

Oh I do love Dilbert. He's a little cartoon genius he is. You see, I have hereby entered the business world. As a geek. So I feel a sense of kinship with Dilbert. We nerds have a fellowship - and i'm going to prove my geekiness by calling it the 'Fellowship of the Nerds'

It was about three years ago that I realized I was part of this fellowship. For years. . I denied it. Assuring myself that I wasn't a nerd, that instead I belonged with the "cool" kids. I"ll never forget the day I realized I wasn't cool at all. I was sitting in one of my computer programming classes, and my teacher cracked a joke about SQL. It was hilarious, and I laughed. But - I also realized that not one of my friends would have understood this joke. oh. . the harsh reality that is finding yourself in the fellowship of the nerd.

I have since embraced my identity. I tell my friends that I "embrace the title of geek with pride". I now receive multiple phone calls a day from friends who haven't yet realized I don't live in India, and I'm not their local 24hr Tech-Support agent. I love to talk about my MacPro - and it doesn't even phase me to see my friends faces glaze over when I start to get excited, talking about how much GHz, and Ram this machine has. (*Honestly you guys, if you had any idea. . . ). I have an obsesssion with anything that has an Apple emblem on it - and if Steve decides to upgrade the Iphone again - you'll see me watching the KeyNote, and you'll find me outside the doors of AT&T the day it comes out.

I love my nerdiness, I think it makes me endearing. Cause heaven knows, if I didn't have the nerdiness, I'd only be known as Diet Coke Kat. Not Nerd Kat. And that - that would just be sad.

ESPN Ruins My Naps

2008-02-20T11:21:00.000-08:00

So my title doesn't really have anything to do with what I"m going to write about. I may touch on the subject a little bit - but we'll see.

So there I am. sitting in the hub, at my own table - just typing away at some technical paper I've got to write for one of my nerdy classes. when outta nowhere - this couple sits down next to me - at MY table. Do I know these people? No. Have I ever seen them? No. Are they weird? Yes. As I click away at my keyboard, I start to hear him talk baby talk to her. "Oh man. . . this guy ahs no idea how close he is to getting hit" I think. I tried to give them the 'shut up or i'll smack you' look - but to no avail, for they were too busy googly-eyein each other to even notice the table was occupied in the first place. I start to type louder. Maybe if they notice I'm busy - they will realize that they're being rude and just leave me in peace to write my paper on XScale processors. Nope. That didn't work either. My mind was spinning - going back and forth between technical specifications to how I was going to best hit this guy to shut him up. The baby talk was quickly becoming more than I could handle. Maybe if I sneeze Really Really Loudly, and don't cover my mouth. Gross - yes. But sometimes drastic measures need to be taken. I crinkled up my nose in hopes of bringin on a sneeze - but all that happened was me looking slightly like an upset swine. Did they notice my facial expressions? Nope. Not even close, they were still snoggling and talking in voices reserved for 1 and under population.

The clock was ticking down. 12:15. I knew their lunchbreak had to be over soon - but I was quickly losing all self control. Those who know me best know that I act very chill and easy going, but if I bottle it up too long - then BAM! I'll snap at you and nothing can control the rush of words or anger that might ensue if you're in my path of wrath. {*wow. that rhymed! all fear - Kat's path of Wrath! :) } 12:20 - it's bubbling to the surface. . . my face has lost all trace of a smile, and I'm ready to just tell this annoying couple to go somewhere much warmer than Logan. 12:22 - I'm formulating the words that would have the best effect. 12:22.5 - they decide to leave. phew. . that was close.

That couple doesn't understand how close they were too disaster. . . another 30 seconds of their behavior and I'd have siad something. Ok - I'd have though of more things I COULD"VE said to them. We all know I would'nt have been rude to strangers. I talk a big game, but I'm usually a big softie. However, I felt I must blog this experience so that all my psuedo-anger thoughts weren't in vain.

oh - I guess i'd better touch on the subject of this post. So - ESPN often ruins my naps. I'll get home from work or class, and decide that exhaustion is not a fun feeling. I soon collapse on the love sac, and turn on the TV to keep me company until I can fall asleep. Channel 35 or 49 are usually the ones chosen. ESPN or FOXNews. . . either one of those channels will keep me from sleeping. Unless SportsCenter is on. SportsCenter will always put me to sleep. ya see, my bedroom growing up was located right next to the TV room. Every night my dad would watch, you guessed it: SportsCenter. For 18 years I would fall asleep to the top 10 highlights of the day, and so like pavlov's dog, I have been trained. All you have to do is turn on sportscenter and I'll be out like a light. However, if it's around the horn, It won't put me to sleep. I'll just sit there, wondering why and how someone would spend money on a show, and how that guys scoring system works. I've come to realize that there really is no reasoning to it. I think he just likes to push that button and see numbers appear. He gets the urge to see a number, and he pushes the button. It really has no reasoning behind it at all. I bet he's not even listening to the guys that are talking, I bet the Mute button is ALWAYs on! And he's using the button to count how bad he wants pizza or something! :)

My Life in 1's and 0's

2008-02-11T14:02:00.000-08:00

So in case you didn't know - I'm a Nerd. A big one. However, I am not nerdy enough to be proficient in performing Binary Math. Right now - i'm trying to learn how to do so, just so I don't fail the test I'm currently cramming for. I think it's ridiculous that I have to learn how to do such a thing, seeing as how I will NEVER use it. Such is the theme of school however - Cram for things that the real world will never require you to put into action. Man - i'm so glad i'm paying thousands of dollars for this 'education'.

Anyhew - onto cooler things. As many of you are probably aware - Valentines Day is Thursday. I was walking through the candy Isle at wal-mart - which also happened to be the isle that contains all the cool Valentines cards that we gave in elementary school. I was laughing as I heard a little girl telling her mother, "That boys are icky, and she didn't want to give THEM one." Couldn't she just get some for the girls? When her mother told her she had to get some for everyone, she responded, "That's stupid. Boys are icky." Even though we've all grown out of that phase, I think we can all empathize. Those were the days though. I remember one year - I got a carnation and a note left in my desk, signed with - "For Katrina - love your secret admireerer." Yeah - the spelling was crappy, but I'm positive it was true love. Never found out who it was though. . . suspicion tells me it was my mother.

My mom has always been really good at making us feel special on Valentines day. She's well aware that she has a bunch of commitment-phobe children, and that it's highly unlikely they'll be celebrating the day with anyone in particular. I can't remember a year I didn't get roses, but I also can't remember a year when they weren't from my mom. That may sound pathetic to some people - but I think i'm really lucky that I have someone that consistently remembers me on that day :) She's inspired me to look at the day as not just a day where you feel stupid cause you're blatantly single - but a day where you can look for ways to show your love for the people who might otherwise feel left out. "Singles Awareness Day" presents us with a great opportunity to think outside the box and show our love and appreciation for the people around us. I'm so grateful for my mother's shining example in that aspect. I know that's super cheesy - but heck. Cupid and heart candy are pretty cheesy too!

Back to the intro-paragraph of my blog, I wonder if my professor would pass me if I made a cool picture out of 1's and 0's. . . Now that's something I can use in the real world. Binary Art. As usless as it sounds, i'm sure it would come in handier than floating point binary multiplication. I'd better stop talking about it in this blog however - and get my bottom to work! Happy Valentines Day everyone! May the creepy little angel called cupid hit you in the back with his arrow! :) And may you be looking at someone attractive when that happens!

The Choice

2008-02-05T15:11:00.001-08:00

So there I was. standing in front of the fridge - string cheese in hand. And yet - my decision wasn't finished. Seeing as how my diet coke 20 pack had been emptied earlier this morning, I needed something to drink. As I peered into the fridge for an alternative, a white label that I would all too often overlook stared me in the face. Diet Dr. Pepper.

To most people, this wouldn't be a hard choice. But i've got loyatly issues people. Diet Coke is my drink - I don't cheat. . . well. . . unless i'm at Cafe Sabor, and all they have is pepsi products. . . then I get a diet pepsi. But you see what i'm sayin. . . this D.P was asking me to venture outside my norms . . . to go where I would rarley go. Hmm. . . . I thought. To drink or not to drink. My alternative - water. Water doesn't have caffeine. So i picked up the D.P. (*thanks caroline :) )

I twisted the cap - heard that all so glorious release of carbonated pressure - and took a swig. Oh my. . . it was really good. And so here I am - asking myself. . . should my loyalty truly lie with Diet Coke? what if. . . what if I started to venture out - mix up my drinking options a little bit? Today - Dr. Pepper! Tomorrow - Mt. Dew?! The options are seemingly endless!

Today isn't just about Diet Soda drink choices however. As most of you know, it's Super Tuesday. People across the nation are going to the polls, proclaiming their choice of who they want to represent them in this years presidential race. The way I see it - most of these people are a lot like me. They think, "Man - I would kill for a diet coke right now" But they look in the fridge - no diet coke! (* keep up with me people. . . Diet coke would be who you always thought you wanted for president. but he/she/it isn't running. Or withdrew from the race cause they were counting on florida and bombed. . . . not to mention names or anything. . . ) So you're forced with a choice. Do you vote for Dr. Pepper? Have you even tried Dr. Pepper? If you do, will you like it better than Diet coke?

My analogy is getting crazy - but my point is this. I think we need to research a little bit more than we do. Lets not all just assume that we like Diet Coke, because mom or dad told us we like it. Or just because we were at the store. . . didn't really care - and said, "Hey! I'll drink that!" A few weeks ago I was with some friends, and I was forced to defend my choice of diet coke - aka presidential candidate. I made an idiot out of myself. I had no idea why I had chosen Diet Coke. I just had. In an attempt to defend my choice - I failed. horribly. I even made diet coke look bad because I had no argument. My friends forced me to look at Dr. Pepper - which I had proclaimed to dislike. . . but then I tasted it. And liked it. I wish that months ago - I had ventured out and tasted Dr. Pepper. Could've saved me lots of trouble - and making an idiot out of myself. I hate making an idiot out of myself.

A Fog of Weirdness!

2007-11-05T15:09:00.001-08:00

Hello friends! So it's been a few weeks since my last post, and as I sit here avoiding doing any work or homework, the only appropriate thing I could think of to do was write a new post. So here goes.

I've been in a weird phase lately. Have you ever felt like you were in a misty fog of life? You consistenly go through the motions, cause that's what you're supposed to do. . . only to wake up every morning wondering what the heck happened the day before? And no - it's not a hangover. . .i'm comletely sober! :) I've just been in this phase where I feel like my life is one very long/weird dream. There are small, clear glances of reality, but for the most part my life is in a fog of work, classes, and hours spent on itunes trying to find some good new music.

In an attempt to escape this odd fog, I decided yesterday to write some goals. Starting with a better sleeping schedule, I'm going to attempt to re-enter the reality that once was my life. I'm a little nervous however, that these goals aren't going to accomplish such a miracle. What an odd time of life this is. . .

Anyways. . . Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that they're already selling Christmas stuff? For heavens sake people, It's not even thanksgiving! If they start playing a charlie brown christmas instead of regularly scheduled programming. . . i'm going to be upset!

If life had a pause button. . .

2007-10-23T00:34:00.000-07:00

Ahhh - another post. So, I'm just sitting at work, thinking about everything I should be doing, and the thought came to myself to blog. I wasn't sure what to write about, so I was looking through all my drafts that I had started but never finished, and I found this one. Apparently I was supposed to be writing a paper at that time, and I was wishing for a pause button. I wanted it because the paper was due in less than 8 hours, and I needed more time. But then I realized would have to do a lot cooler things than just write a paper with my pause button. . . . So - here is a list of things I would do if I could pause time. . .

I would catch up on all my schoolwork and work. (*note to readers. . .schoolwork doesn't apply anymore. yay for graduation) But seriously - i struggle with finding the time in my day to accomplish all I need to. And - if I find the time, I somehow end up using it to play around on itunes, or to chat with my roommates. Any spare moments I have are rarely spent on homework - at least not willingly.

I would go on a hike - and pause time at mid-afternoon - and I would just sit up there for a long period of *time?* and think about my life. I love just sitting in quiet places and sorting my life out.

I would watch an entire season of the office. or 24. Seriously - you just can't ever watch too much of those tv shows. But I never have the time to. . . .

I would take a really long nap. Right after lunch. Then I'd press play and get back to work.

I'd punch people. :) I'd go to wal-mart, and punch people. Only the guys the looked mean though. ooohhh - story time. So I was at wal-mart last night, getting a new curtain rod. (*sidenote - my new curtains are incredible. incredibly cute!!!) Anyways - i'm at wal-mart, and there's a little boy with his dad shopping. THe little boy was just playing around in the racks, just bein a kid. And the dad was frustrated. So this jerk who works at wal-mart, comes up and gives the guy a hard time. Then, after he leaves - the guy calls security - saying that "There was supsicious activity in the men's clothing department." I was bugged. I almost took off my heels and threw them at him. But. . . I didn't have a pause button, and assault doesn't seem like a great idea.

So anyways. . those are just a few of the things I"d do with a pause button. I"m sure that there are lots of other cooler things I could do. . . but these are the ones that came to mind first.

Cinderella's Lies

2007-10-05T20:05:00.001-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen - boys and girls. I have some very important news, that will most likely effect you. Disney has lied to us. Yes - that's right. They lied.

I remember as a 5 or 6 year old girl, I loved the Disney movie Aladdin. I wanted to be Princess Jasmine. I mean, who wouldn't want a cute boy to take them on a magic carpet ride? All the while he's singing her love songs, and they very quickly discover that they are, indeed, meant to be together. Soul Mates in fact. If I remember correctly, there were most likely fireworks in the sky during their wedding/first kiss. (*So often those happen at the same time in Disney movies. . . )

Well, here's the thing. Disney gave me unrealistic expectations. I honestly grew up expecting that when I got old enough, my Prince charming would show up. He would be more than perfect, fireworks would fly, he would wine and dine me - because the second we met, we'd both know that we were meant to be. Heck, cheesy music with unreal lyrics would also be playing in the background. Boys and girls, I'm here to tell you, it's all a stupid lie. I think that Disney has seriously screwed over the dating ethic here at Utah State - and after a few rants and raves with numerous friends on many different occasions, I'd like to do my part to try and dispell the horrible myths that Bell, Jasmine, and Cinderella have always led us to believe.

I think that we all expect to have some brilliant sign, some fireworks, butterflies, creepy crabs and seagulls singing - trying to persuade us to just go ahead and enjoy a first kiss. People - it's not real. I think that there is a growing trend of belief that if we're not feeling fire/sparks/butterflies within the first few weeks, we should just throw in the towel. Obviously, Cinderella would have been angry if Prince Charming didn't fall in love after that first dance. But what girls at USU do you see that have a fairy godmother, a pumpkin for a carriage, and mice that talk to them. That's right. All that stuff is crazy. So is the mentality that we must all be as the forementioned couple - and initially know that it's meant to be. Disney only had two hours to entertain little kids - but my dear friends, we've got plenty of time to figure out our own story. If we all just took a deep breathe and relaxed, Who knows! We might end up hearing the creepy little crab singing after all. :)

Elephants and Oddly Dressed People

2007-09-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

wow. It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sure you’ve all deeply missed my thoughts on life, and so I decided to take a few minutes and share some things that have been on my mind lately. To start out with, the circus is in town. and I had the “awesome opportunity” to see the elephant parade. and I couldn’t help but ask myself, “What the heck????”

. . . . I’m just sitting her at my desk, coding away on some website, and I look out the window, and about 20 elephants are walking along the Trax rail. . . . ? “wow. an elephant” I thought - and then I snapped out of programming and thought, “Oh my Hell, an elephant!” Not only elephants my friends, elephants with bejeweled riders in brightly colored clothing. This strange array of elephants soon led me to asking the question of why the circus was ever invented in the first place? Were/are people so bored that we must make a spectacle of weirdly dressed people walking the tightrope and wearing gigantic shoes? Does anyone even think that’s entertaining? I mean sure. . .the elephants caught my eye. But mostly because I’m used to seeing the trax train, not an elephant train.

Onto better things. I - Kat the Geek - have decided that we all go through life faking it. Let me explain. I think we learn to use our imaginations at a very young age. When I was 4 -I could have sworn that my basement was a lake! I would walk around every single day in my swimming suit, and I would enjoy every second of my day, because everyday at my house was a day spent at the beach :) Well, I’m afraid that mentality has never really left me. You see, here I am. I’m 21, ready to graduate college - and I still live in a reality completely composed within my imagination. In Kat-land, I’m following all the right steps. Working hard in high school to get a scholarship, going to college - attending parties, dating, following the normal life of what college is “supposed” to be - in essence, just a constant future resume builder. My nights are spent at the library, then it’s on to Little Ceasear’s for some cheep pizza. Next step in life is obviously to find a job - so I did that too. What am I getting at you ask? . . . well, I’m just starting to question why we feel the necessity to imagine that we’re all supposed to follow that standard mold of what life should be? Aren’t we just acting as I did as a 4 yr old? Ignoring most of reality, just so I can have my day at the Beach?

I guess I should explain a little more . . . there is just so much going on in the world today. And yet, as young Americans, we’ve been trained to employ that imagination and just go along with our daily life, all too often ignoring the blatant and harsh realities that exist around us. What I’m not doing with this post is being pessimistic. What I am doing is petitioning myself to become a little less selfish. I get so caught up in the dream of what my life should become, I ignore those around me who could possibly be in need of my help. I need to come down a little bit from this life that I’ve always pursued and start to think about what I can do to let others reach what their imagination and dreams have always encouraged them to become. . . . only a thought

Internal Corporate Mayhem

2007-08-01T18:05:00.001-07:00

So I just realized - my title makes no sense. But whatever. :) Those are three words that hit me in just the write way - and so I decided they'd peform well as my title.

Aww life. It's kinda funny, isn't it? Sometimes I serioulsy wish I had a rewind button. But - I wouldn't know what I know now - I'd just have had a little voice in my head, gently telling me to pull my head out :) I think it would ruin all the fun in life if we knew exactly what was going to happen to us in the future - it would take away that fun little shock and suprise that we so often encounter. Even though the anticipation, and all the unknowns kind of get to us at times, at the same time - they're what make life so beautifuL!

Another thing that I realized is this - I trust way too much. But I have also decided that that is an okay thing. I'd rather get burned than to not give people a complete chance. It's not the population of the world's fault that some people have burned us in the past. I think we owe it to the world to give everyone a fair chance. Yeah - some of them might completely make an idiot out of you - but you get over that soon enough!

Onto lighter matters - I have a serious addiction to Diet Coke. It's starting to scare me. .. and I might just have to quit. But alas - I probably won't! I have however, stopped eating tootsie rolls. I have the biggest sweet tooth in the world, and it's been killing me to pull back the reins on my sugar intake. I think that this lack of sugar has only enhanced my dependance on Diet Coke. . . so which do I choose? Or maybe I should just get some self control and stop both of them. . . yeah. That won't happen. But the thought was nice.

Oh, and to end this, I realized that the whole "Life's a garden, dig it" quote makes no sense. at least not to me. yeah - it sounds all clever. . but what the crap does it mean? Please Explain!

Anatomy of an Elevator Ride

2007-06-26T20:14:00.000-07:00

Okay - who has ever had an awkward elevator ride? I swear. . . .what is up with getting in a little miniature room with a complete stranger? We would never do that naturally - but yet, to avoid the pain of a few stairs, we do. I had the most awkward elevator ride yesterday! I was walking to work, got in the elevator, and sadly. . .i was not alone. A woman that works in the offices next to mine joined me. The ensueing 30 seconds were filled with a fog of intense awkwardness. It pressed down on me from every angle. . . do I say "how are you?" - "Nice day today. . ." "or Man alive, I wish it were friday". ??? Or - would it be better to sit in silence? It was apparent that we both were having an internal battle - to be social or a recluse? When the doors finally opened it gave me such immense releif I actually exhaled loudly.

From the elevator I then proceeded to my desk. speaking of awkard. . let me give you a small visual of my department. there are 5 desks in the room, and yet there are only 4 corners. .. guess who's desk is parked in the middle of the room? Why yes - that would be mine! It's like i'm on display. . . so everytime I sit down, I just want to say, "Okay class, now pay attention" :) My network cable and telephone cord are stretched to my desk from across the room, and they consistenly trip my co-worker Josh. I had to pull out the duct tape and do some room-surgery, just to avoid a liability suit.

On a completely different note, I'm pleased to announce that in less than 48 hours, Harry Potter 7 is being released. I'm freaking out on the inside. well. . .that's about all there is to say about HP. Just know. . .i'm freaking out. Seriously.

On the matter of my life. . it's great. I'm workin the corporate life now, going to meetings int he conference room, emailing clients. . .all that jazz. Life sure hits ya fast, and a part of me can't wait to get back to college. Even though I'll only be there til December - it's nice to know that I have at least 5 more months of "security". However, it's also nice to have a good job! To know that I can eat out at Taco Bell, and not have to starve for a few days after because of it. I can actually afford Taco Bell now! WOOHOO!

Harry. . Marry Me?!

2007-06-23T00:11:00.000-07:00

The countdown is currently at 27 days and 22 hours. The countdown I'm referring to is none other than the release of my all-time favorite book, Harry Potter 7. How do I know it' smy favorite book? Well, cause I'm addicted to HP. Addicted. Well, I think I'd have a hard time blogging about that for a decent length, so instead I've decided to post some questions I have - (*I'm stealing this Idea from Marty . . .pure genius)

#1. Why do guys initiate a texting convo, only to end it awkwardly?

I cannot count the amount of times this has happened. I'll get a text from a guy, so i figure they want to say something more than the 5 words they initially said, only to get a response that makes it seem like I'm annoying them by responding. WTF?!

#2. Why does Utah not have one decent radio station?

We live in a very technologically advanced age - so why is it that I can never listen to a radio station for longer than 10 minutes without getting frustrated and just plugging in my ipod? Also - how is it that they all play commercials at the same time? Do they plan that?! I'm starting to decide that they've plotted against us from the beginning!

#3. Why has the "hang out" completely replaced dating?

I can't remember the last date I went on - but I hang out with guys a lot. Guys - there is nothing more confusing to a girl than hanging out with her. Please just put it out there - if you like her, ask her out. If you don't, make it obvious your hang-outs are only as friends. I'm sick of being confused about intentions. Thank You.

#4. Why Does Coca-Cola keep changing their selection?

I love Diet Coke. I love Diet Vanilla Coke - and then they took it away, only to be replaced with Diet Vanilla Cherry Coke. I grew to love that, and now it's gone! Where do they put it?! Is it really that hard to just give us a lot of options?!! Dear Coca-Cola, you are killing me slowly.

#5. Why can't we feel the earth spinning?

We're speeding through space at an alarming rate, but I can't feel that. . . why?! I'm glad I can't. . but it blows my mind. I mean heck, we're flying through space! And I can't feel a thing!

#6. Who came up with the idea of re-runs?

Who is the TV Exec that came up with this sick joke? I miss The Office, and I miss 24.. . . why do they do this to me?

#7. Why Can't we control who we Fall for?

I swear. . . there are so many people I wish I could fall in love with, but my heart just refuses. There is nothing wrong with these people, in fact they're completely perfect on paper. But when I put myself in the position, I just don't feel anything. And yet, I always have feelings for people that are completely wrong for me. . . why is that?

So there are just a few questions I've been thinking about lately. I know they sound negative - but I just thought I'd put them out there!

So life has been pretty great lately! I've got the best job in the world this summer, and I just get to witness kids changing their lives. It's amazing!!! I love the fact that I can just sit and watch these transformations happen! In a world that so often seems only negative and scary, I get to see the rising generation in all their glory! They're great! They're strong! and they give me lots of hope for tomorrow!

Also, I had a great talk with my dad last night. It sometimes scares me how much alike we are! I saw a picture of him on his wedding day (*yeah, he was my age when he got married) and it was eerie how much we look alike. If I cut off all my hair, I'd be his twin. . okay, not that extreme. . but almost! And as I talked with him last night, I saw where I got so many of my mannerisms, and personality traits! We talked for hours, and it was fabulous!!! I dunno if I've ever said this, but I really do have the most amazing family life ever! They are all my best friends, and I dunno what I'd do without them! I lucked out in the family department!

Well, I'm finally exhausted. This has been one really weird blog. . .but hey. I'm tired :) and I just ate a bunch of gummi-worms. . is that a good excuse?! Or would the fact that I'm w/0 a diet vanilla cherry coke work better?! :)

Removal of Wisdom

2007-05-25T02:15:00.001-07:00

Do you ever have those nights where you just can't sleep? I do. . .and I seem to be having them more and more regularly as of late. I have a really messed up sleeping schedule - but alas. . such is my life :) The best thing about these sleepless nighgts is that they give me no other option than to pick up my laptop and write a nice long blog. So here goes:

I got my wisdom teeth out last week, and I am very grateful that I never have to relive that experience. It was all fine and dandy the day of - I had the anasthesia and pain killers to deal with the initial shock. It was more like 5 days after that I really felt the shock of it. My cheeks had swelled to unparallled proportions, and me - being the dork I always am - decided to attend a party looking like a chipmunk. Mind you, I was slightly high on percaset* (how the crap do you spell that word? I dunno. . sound it out) - and when I'm high on that pill, I just don't act like me. I was a complete social recluse, but I found it necessary to stare at everyone in the room! What an awkward thirty minutes that was! For myself - and everyone that fell victim to my drug induced stare!!!

The other factor in me getting my wisdom teeth out, is that I had a LOT of time to sit and think. . . even though the thinking was cloudy - I still just sat and analyzed my life. As everyone who knows me at all is aware, the past year has been a pretty extreme one for me. LIfe just changed, and it gave me plenty to think about while I was out of the loop with the whole wisdom teeth incident. As I sit here now. . .wishing I could sleep - I"m trying to decide if all this thinking has gotten me anywhere. . . Am I any closer to feeling at peace with myself? With those around me? .. . . to be honest. I just don't know.

There are times, when I feel like i'm living in a pseudo-reality. Like my life is one complete dream, and sometime soon, I'll wake up. Then reality hits me that I am indeed in reality. Those moments are hard to deal with. Then there are other times when I feel complete and utter clarity and peace with everything and all the events that have occurred. There are these bold flashes where i understand it all and it all just seems okay. To be perfectly honest, I'd appreciate it if those weren't just flashes. . . but if they could just warp into a solid state of mind. I dunno - I'm just blabbing. . .onto better things.

I was having a great talk with one of my best friends last night. I was in one of my moods, where I just didn't feel like the good ol' cheery gal I usually try to be. when I was alone, I wanted to be around people - but when I was with people, all I wanted to do was be alone. I told him how I was feeling, and he explained it back to me perfectly. The reality of my state of mind was that I would rather be alone with a person who truly understood me. ahhh. .. exactly. I think I need to explain further for you to really understand what I mean by this:

You see - I'm a VERY guarded person. I know a ton of people, and I feel like my social circle is gigantic, and yet - there are only about 4 people in this world besides my family that have ever REALLY known me. Yes. . lots of people are acquainted with me, I don't feel like I'm fake or anything like that - but these people just know the surface me. It takes a lot for me to really let my guard down and let someone know who I really am. Well, since I'm so guarded and controlling about who I allow to really know me, there are a lot of times where I feel like no one gets me - cause well. . . they don't. They think they do, and so I just have to go along being the girl they all think I am (*even though that is me. . . . . .I try my hardest to NEVEr be phony), when in reality I just wish that someone could look at me, understand how I'm feeling, and I could go on in the knowledge that at least one person got me.

Well, recently I've felt like no one knows me - and the few that I've really let in, have decided that they just don't care. Ouch. . .that hurts. One of those four actually called me on the phone, and I had a surface conversation with him. That hurt me so badly. It was just like a bad nightmare. I'd had one crazy week, and I had really looked forward to the chance of talking with him about that week - but instead we just talked like we had met the day before at a random party. It crushed me, cause the reality of that situation is that he doesn't want to get that close. He knows that I let him in, and he also realizes that when I let my guard down like that I tend to get attached - and he just doesn't want that. Ouch. That hurt! So there i was, on the phone, realizing that 2/4 of the people I'd let my guard down to had actually rejected me. . . and I just felt betrayed - and that only increased my ability to be guarded.

I also realized yesterday that I must appear very impersonable. That same great friend (*one of the few that actually gets me) that was explaining my frustrations to me, was laughing about the person he used to think I was. Apparently I give off the vibe of "don't get close to me" which often translates into snobbiness and conceit. The reason it was so funny is that I'm not that person at all - but I give off those vibes unconsciously in an effort to protect myself? - at least that's what we decided last night.

I guess in conclusion. . . well I dunno what to conclude. :) I'm just trying to figure out where I am in life, and what I'm supposed to be doing with my current situation. I guess I need to just follow my own advice - and chill :)

"awareness" of Irony

2007-05-09T22:07:00.000-07:00

Wow - can you believe it? School is finally over for the year (*large long sigh of relief!)Ya know, it's always so crazy how life changes from year to year. You never really know the friendships and memories you're about to make - and then when May hits, it's always crazy to see it change again.

So, I woke up the other day - only to realize that my life is so much different than I planned. For instance - my freshman year of college, I remember seeing this blonde girl in the business building. I also remember having certian feelings of resentment towards said girl. The boys just seemed to flock to her. Of course, being the girl that I am - I instantly decided that she must be either A.Snotty B. Easy C.Dumb or D. all of the above. I made an instant judgment about this girl that lasted me for about a year and half.

Well, as we've already established - my life is a huge irony. You see - last year I went on spring break with a bunch of completely random people - only to discover that said blonde girl was in our group. Oh how wrong our impressions of people can be - and how wrong they usually are. This blonde was neither snotty, easy, or dumb. She's actually one of the most amazing girls I've ever had the privelege of knowing. To add to the irony - that blonde is now my roommate, not to mention one of my closest friends.

Well, that fact just seemed to hit me quite hard the other night. I was sitting there getting ready in an apartment I never dreamed I'd be in, being roommates with a girl I never dreamed I'd be such close friends with. It was then that I realized that I really need to stop trying to plan my life - and just start to go with the flow. . . not in the sense of giving up my dreams/aspirations. I still intend on keeping with the majors - but as far as the minor details go, I need to just relax and let fate take control. So far - it's done a pretty good job - even with me resisting with all my strength!!!

Beyond all that though, I came to realize how this time in our lives forces us to freak out. So - we need to put forth all our energy so that we don't do that very thing. That is however, a very difficult thing to achieve. Major life decisions are pressing down on us from every angle, from what major to choose, to whom to marry, to what we want to cook for dinner (*okay - that last one isn't that major, but when you're hungry. . . ). My point is, sometimes we let the pressure of these decisions break us. This is supposed to be the "Best Years" of our lives - and don't get me wrong, they have been!!! I've had more fun, more memories, and more growing experiences than any other period of my life. . . and I'm forced to question if they have been so great, only because of the stressful parts. . . wow. . that was some awful english. Let me try again.

I have come to determine (*see, doesn't that sound smarter) that these years have only been as fun/growing/amazing as they have been because of the hard decisions. wow. . . still struggling to make perfect sense - but I'm getting closer. I think it's the polar opposites that occur during this time that make them so sweet. The fun is incredibly fun, while the stresses are incredibly stressing. . . we survive only because we have the most extreme of both worlds. So - how do we cope?

This brings me back to my first point - we don't cope. We just - chill. Wow - deep thoughts by a girl who isn't high. I swear! For way too long I've tried to cope - I've tried to exert all kinds of effert to "deal" with the cards life was handing me, only to realize that this was wasted energy on things that were completely out of my control. So my decisions is this: Be in control of what I can control - and otherwise, let fate handle it!

The Irony that is Kat's Life: Part 5050

2007-04-23T18:00:00.000-07:00

So. . I realized somethign this past week. My life, is one gigantic irony. If you've ever sat there and wondered why fate hates you, know that I can empathize in every sort of way!

To begin with. . . monday was 24. . . that has nothing to do with the irony. Nothing at all! Just that 24 only lasts an hour. . and I wish it lasted 24, cause then I could always know what's going on with jack bauer!

Oh yeah. . irony. Got it. So. . . I've always tried to pretend that I wasn't the kind of girl who got all girly and mean. YOu know, the ones who are like, "I can't stand her. . she's so weird. . .etc etc". And then I realized that I was being that girl. . and I felt like I was totally warranted! I let the actions of a stupid boy turn me into one of those girls. I was taking out my anger toward this boy - on a girl who didn't deserve it. So just let me publicly apologize for being a mean girl. Girls - we need to stick together. . . boys tend to be mean - and they have a knack for turning us against each other. . when they are the ones at fault. . isn't that weird?! I hope that I never let myself be that girl again. So here is the irony - I let my mean girl guard down. . and forced myself to be a nice girl. and BAM! I realized that I had been really snotty. . and almost missed out on getting to know someone really amazing and fun! So everyone - learn from this girl's mistake. . don't be a mean girl!

hmmm. . . is that the only irony of my week?! Oh heavens no. . i'm just trying to decide if the other ironies are way too private to share with the entire population of utah state. .. and I"m deciding that they most definitly are!

oh - here is a funny little fact! I'm going to meet with a judge tomorrow. . because they're threatening to take away my license. :) I've only received two tickets - one for running a stop sign, and the other for speeding in a construction zone. I guess these two offenses carry a pretty hefty point level. . cause yeah. I'm going to see the judge. If this hearing doens't go well - i'm losing my license for an entire month. . . so everyone please pray that I don't lose it!!!

The other irony is that there has been a peeping tom around my apartment for about the past six months. Well - I got home tonight, and I was locked out of my apartment. Mind you - it's been raining, so I had on a big gray hoodie, which I had up over my head so I didn't get wet. Well, when I discovered that I had been locked out, I proceeeded to try and get in my window. . . lol. . when my entire complex is paranoid about a peeping tom. I gave up after a minute or two, and luckily my car was unlocked. So I just sat in there while I called my roommate to come and let me in (*she was with her boyfriend. . ) lol well. . not thirty seconds after I get inside my car, a police car shows up, and 5 cops hop out and proceed to shine their spotlights in the direct spot I had just been,. aka outside my very own window. yes, I was apparantly an alleged peeping tom - and I"m sitting in my car watching the cops look for me. . .even though I'm not the tom. To make a long story short. . the cops weren't too pleased when they saw me in my car. . and asked me how long I'd been locked out. . the timelines matched up. . and they realized I wasn't a peeper. . . It wasn't funny - but come on. It really was.

Work Avoidance

2007-04-13T13:18:00.000-07:00

Outside the sun is shining, birds are chirping - it's a spectacular spring day. And here I am. . . in my apartment, pretending to be working. The best part is, Im avoiding web design. . . . by doing more web design. If only I could get paid to blog! (*maybe some day?!)

So I went camping last night! Much to the addition of my ego, I started the fire all by myself. I actually had the fire crackling before the boys had the tents up. You see, this is actually a very exciting thing! You have to know my father to truly understand why I'm so proud of this, but for those of you who do know him - you can fully appreciate the pride that I feel, and that I know he also will feel when I tell him! :)

I'm currently listening to Harry Potter, all in preparation of the book release - which one of my widgets tells me is being released in 98 days, 9 hours, and 36 minutes. :) I'm seriously in love with these books, and I'm having quite a bit of cognitive dissonance in deciding how I feel about book 7 being released. Harry has been a part of my life for so long. . I"m not sure my heart is ready to truly know how the series ends.. . My only reconciliation is that I'll be able to read it any time I want. . time and time and time again. My children will be raised on Harry Potter. . and I hope one of my little boys needs glasses, so I can slap some big black frames on him. :)

I love Spring. I love the fresh start that it gives us - especially in Cache Valley. For so many months, we're stuck in the smog - then spring comes! The cold melts away, the sun shines through, and everything starts to smell SOOO much better! I also love the fresh start that it gives my psyche. The other day I was walking home from class, and I couldn't help but smile. My life is in complete uproar, but I couldn't be upset. The view of the sun lighting up the whole valley took my breathe away. Along with spring comes finals. . that is one bad thing. And with finals comes my accounting of what I've done the past year. As I sit here thinking back on the past nine months. . . I don't know how to feel. I've grown up so much, more than I ever anticipated. I knew coming into the school year that Life was going to be changing, but I don't think I had ANY idea what I was in for. However, I'm happy to say - I"M OKAY! A few days ago, I was able to actually honestly say, I'm OK :)

When it comes to acting happy - I can usually fake it to everyone else, but deep inside I am falling apart - but not this time! This time my soul was actually smiling! I no longer had to pretend. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm so grateful for the fact that God knows what He's doing. So often we try and tell Him what to do with our lives, and then we throw a complete tissy when He kindly informs us our plan sucks. I tend to get angry when people don't like my plans - especially when I'm forced to change them. However, I'm so grateful for the fact that my Heavenly Father knows me better than I even know myself. Nine months ago, I was sure He was trying to kill me - that the trial he was giving me was some sick joke. But Today, I am relieved to say that had my plan gone through, I would have been very unhappy indeed. Thank heaven for trials - thank heaven for the fact that God is in control. How silly of me for distrusting him!!! For today, because of Him - and the pain he allowed me to experience, I'm OK!

A Walking Contradiction

2007-04-13T13:16:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Watching deal or no deal. I just decided it was time for me to write a blog outside myspace. . . cause now everyone can read it. :)

Life for me has been pretty crazy. To be honest, it's been upside down! Life has thrown me a few curveballs as of late, and I'm learning how to handle them! I hope that I'm learning whatever lesson it is with grace, . . .but to be frank, I think i'm failing.

I've always been a girl with a plan. I knew what I wanted from life, and exactly how I would get it. I've always prided myself with being an overacheiver - the girl with the ability to get what she wanted, because she worked really hard to get it. (I don't believe in hand outs!)

So what's the problem you ask? As I sit here tonight, playing on my MacBook, I've realized something. Life has not turned out how I thought it would. The "love of my life" has dissappeared somewhere along the way, and even though I've tried to hold on for the longest time, I know it's time to give up. Let me explain. . . .

My definition of love is this - if you love someone, you hold their well being above that of your own. It means being completely selfless. I'm not talking about letting someone walk all over you, I'm saying that if you're doing something that you want to do, but it's hurting the other person, you'd give it up. Because it was hurting them. . . However, as I sit here, contemplating the "love" of my life, I realize that it was never really love. Maybe not for either one of us. Do I care about him? Of course! More deeply than I've ever cared for anyone in my life. . . but as I look back, I see more tears than smiles, and more nights spend hurting than evenings laughing in each others arms.

Why is it that we have to let go? What is it we're supposed to learn? Do we have to be on our own for a time, just so we can learn exactly who we are without someone, so that when the time comes that we really do meet "the one" - we're the best we can be? The thought of being without him hurts me to the core, and I now know the definition of heartbreak. It cuts you to the core, it's immobilizing at times. There are those mornings when you really just don't want to get out of bed, because the thought of facing another day without them in your life seems to be more than you can take. (Man I sound like a sap. . . but hear me out)

The past two months of my life have been. . . frightening. I've had to live a completely different life than I ever had planned. A life that is complelety foreign to me. Being by myself with no one to talk to has never been a part. Having to share my thoughts and feelings with a blog instead of a friend was never in the game plan. :) However, the past two months of my life have been great.

wait - did I just contradict myself? No. .. I don't think. Even though the past few months have been extremely difficult, I've been forced to deal with it. I've had to fight through it. And in doing so, I've learned more about myself than in any other time of my life. I know who I am. ..(more than I did before). . . and I know what I want. I feel sort of liberated, because now the world is open to me. I was so "tied down" to the life I had imagined, I never even thought of all the other possibilities that exist! Are those possibilities waht I want? Maybe - maybe not. But how can I know if I never try to experience them?

Problems With Puppy Love

2007-04-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

If only everyone had my view on life. Then it would make so much more sense. If not for them, then at least for me! Have you ever woke up one day - and realized that you didn't really know anything anymore? The people, the events, the things you always thought would remain constant - have instantly changed - while you were sleeping. . . and then you realize. It didn't just happen over night. It's been a gradual change - one so gradual that you don't even notice it was happening.

The past year has been one of incredible changing in my life. I think* (*emphasis on the think) that I'm finally learning who I am. But in doing so - I've sort of felt like I've been ripped apart. . . you see - i've always had another person that kind of helped make up who i was. For four long years, I've had him there - and so in a way, he helped define me. When I was with him, I was complete. For a really long time, I never had to be without him! So I knew myself as who I was with him. . . hence a problem.

You see, there's always a problem when in your process of self-discovery aka - what we're supposed to be doing during our teen, early adult years - is hindered by the constant companionship of another person. You tend to lean on them - they become your best friend. And you know who you are as who you are with them, because you're never without them. Well, much to my suprise, this past year - he's slowly been ripping away from me. And in losing myself *(or what i thought was myself) I've truly found myself. And today - I feel like me. For the first time in four years.